Sometimes

Sometimes losing a child is like having someone always stand on your chest. You think you can breathe, but it hurts. It has almost been a year and a half, I think I can breathe, but it hurts.

Appreciation

The main difference between pre-baby and now is that life is constantly busy. Not in a we have plans everyday way, but in a there's something to do at all times sorta way. And moments like this, when Leeloo is sleeping, all I wanna do is sit on the couch and vegetate before the whirlwind starts again. 

Today, while my brain was drefragging, I had a quiet moment of appreciation. I push all day, everyday, to make sure the kids are eating correctly, and using their manners, and respectful, and clean, and cautious, and studying and being overall good and happy people. Raising humans is so exhausting and time consuming, it's easy to just trudge through and forget that it's also totally awesome. I love when things settle for a moment and I get a chance to recognize how lucky I am. I have a partner that supports me being at home, I have a healthy daughter who is so delightful and fun, I have two wonderful stepsons that are bursting with energy and comedy, I am totally blessed.

Now that thats said, the chiquita is up, time to go again!

San Elijo Country Fair

When I was a wee one, my weekend dad would find lots of things for us to do on Saturdays and Sundays. Hiking, museums, family or fairs - most likely it was free, but also lots of fun. The nostalgia in me loves to find local things to do, and now that I have the chiquita I am finding more and more. It's so wonderful to tromp around with her. I think this has got to be one of the best ages - everything is new and there is so much joy and excitement!

This weekend was our neighborhood school's Country Fair. Even though it was kinda a gloomy day we wandered over and had a fantastic time of it. We started off on the playground, which is an instant draw wherever we are. We saw all sorts of park kids, sans nannies, and got funny looks from their parents when we said hi. Even though the little girl recognizes other kids she's still very much a loner and wizzed by them on her own mission. She passed yet another milestone when she realized she could climb up to the tallest slide and slide down on her own!

After many many MANY times down the slide, the chiquita took her first train ride. It was a little three car thing that went along the basketball courts, but that didn't stop Leeloo from throwing her hands up and yelling Yayyyy! She also waved at the onlookers and insisted on a second ride. After the train she briefly ended up in jail (let's hope for the only time in her life!).

Leeloo broke out and rode to freedom on her very first pony! Seriously, it was so very cute. I didn't know if she'd like the pony at all, but she smiled and giggled. Even the handler (who had been walking around the same circle with kids for hours) was laughing at the chiquita's exuberance.

The little one liked it so much that when it was time to dismount she started to cry. It usually takes a pretty hard fall to get that kinda wail so I knew she was really upset. Fortunately, there was a petting zoo right next door and as soon as she saw the baby goats her whimpers subsided and she was pure joy again.

There were also chickens and bunnies there,  but the goats and the hay were better than everything.

The animals were such a hit - I think we're gonna have to find a farm in the future! Either that or kickstart our commune - someone's bound to fund that right?

Hippity Hoppity

I never realized that I was a holiday sort of gal. Turns out I am. I love celebrating special days with the chiquita. It's so much fun to see her experience all of these things for the first time. Everything is so brand new for her and her excitement seeps into me.

Easter was so much fun this year. Last year Leeloo was too little to do anything more than bunny ears. This year she was the perfect age to enjoy all the festivities.

She's only 15 months, but she loves to be around older kids. Just before Easter we got invited to a craft play date. All the other girls were around two years old, but Leeloo did a great job of keeping up with them. She painted for the first time, she built a little foam Easter bunny and she ate lunch at the big kids table with all of them!

We used marshmallows instead of paintbrushes perfect for little fingers!

Reading with Miss Ella - the hostess of the day.

Eating with the big girls - she used her fork and everything!

On Saturday we headed to Poinsettia Park for the Carlsbad Easter Eggstravaganza. Although most of the activities were geared towards older kids, the chiquita loved watching all the people and running around in the grass. Now that she's mobile we can't hold her still!

Excited to have a pinwheel and already one bow short (we always lose at least one ribbon!)

She liked the eggs at first, but she loved them when she realized there were prizes inside!

Luckily for us she didn't notice that we traded out the candy for cheddar bunnies and graham crackers. 

She loved running through the drying paintings (until mami realized they were still wet)

This is as close as she got to the Easter bunny. She was all smiles, but very cautious.

We bought her first Easter basket this year. We filled it with hand puppets, a stuffed bunny, a new big girl cup, a pinwheel, a book and a rubber ducky. I didn't know if she'd even notice it, but she woke up and right away pointed to it from across the room. So far the pinwheel and the book are the biggest hits.

Books with moving parts are big right now. 

After breakfast we headed to our neighborhood park to meet Leeloo's little friends for an egg hunt. We have been lucky to find a group of kids her age that live nearby. Everyday we try to head down to the park so she can tromp around with them.
I filled eggs with bunny crackers, grahams, animal cookies and rubber duckies for the kiddos to find. The chickadee was more interested in pine cones and snacks than Easter egg hunting, but the other kids scooped them up. Leeloo ran in the grass and played under the parachute and was ready for a super nap by the time we were finished.

Covered in strawberries!

After an extra long nap we headed to the chica's godparent's house where she discovered their bookshelf and the piano. We finished the night by singing and dancing together .

Helping her Nina Lorena with the higher notes.

Looking at a Hawaii coffee table book with her Nino David.

So excited that she can climb onto the patio furniture.

I missed the kiss, but she was being especially sweet to baby Daniel.

All in all it was an excellent holiday. I'm already excited about the next one, what is it? Memorial Day?

Bruiser

The chiquita falls quite often. She's a toddler - that's what they do. Wander, wander, wander, fall, wander some more, fall, fall, fall. At this point she falls, and as a parent I pause to see if she cries or fusses before I move. She's a tough one too, so sometimes I find scrapes and bruises when I have missed the fall completely.

When she became mobile I made sure we baby proofed and padded everything. Luckily we have carpet, so most of the spills are cushioned, but there are edges and corners that pose a threat. Of course the girly figured out how to detach all the foam barriers as soon as she started standing. I tried and tried to re-adhere them, but she would just pull them off again. Babyproofing: 0, Baby: 1.

The other night I wished I would have been more tenacious. She toddled and fell right into the corner of the TV stand. There was a terrible thud that no mother ever wants to hear, followed by a silent baby laying face down. It was one of those super slow motion mama moments that really only lasts a second. By the time I reached her she was crying. When I lifted her a thick glob of blood had already formed and was dripping down her face. Two towels, a band aid and ice pack later she was fine. 

Poor chiquita - I'm sure there are many more falls to come...

First band aid.

She makes her brothers so nervous! Boo immediately found the corner protectors and put them back on. This is what she did:

My Mia Day

I expected to be curled into a little ball today. I thought that after a year, all the magical energy that has somehow been holding me up and keeping me together may diffuse and I'd be a big pile of sad mush. Last night I shed a few tears, today I might shed more, but all and all, there isn't any mush to be seen. I am still a fully functioning person - well maybe not "fully".

It's been one whole year since my Mia's heart stopped. I think of her, I miss her, and I will always ache for her, but we did not stop with her. In that year we have grown and loved and lived.

Bittersweet is the only description I can muster. I am so thankful that Mia had my heartbeat and her sister's warmth. I don't know if I believe in heaven, but I have experienced enough magic and miracle in this world to hold the faith that our spirits will meet again.

I have rethought the whole loss thing. It's not only that we lose someone when they die, it's that we may feel lost after they are gone - frightened and directionless. Love has been my compass this year.  A year ago my doctor loved me, my nurses loved me, my husband, my mother, family, friends and strangers. Maybe that's been the magic that's kept me on course. It's love that leads my way.

So, thank you family. Thank you friends. Thank you sunshine. Thank you world.

Thank you Mia.

In which we have a visit to the ER

I was not a healthy child. Some of my earliest memories are of the Emergency Room in the middle of the night. I had ear infections and viruses and all sorts of things that babies/children shouldn't get. Growing up I developed an acute dislike of doctors and hospitals, not because of their service, but because of all the guess work and red tape involved. By adulthood it had to be a "bleeding from the eyes" sort of situation before I would go into be seen. Pregnancy helped to change some of my reluctance. Since I was high-risk and had a belly full of two babies I understood that doc visits were necessary. Each trip was still an annoyance, but I went knowing that I was doing the best I could for my girlies.

Parenthood has given me a whole new perspective. I didn't realize that every time I didn't want to go the hospital my folks had the fear of God in them that the worst could be wrong. I get that now. I completely must apologize for 98% of their grays.

Leeloo and I are back in Arizona for another visit. Trips here are always a jam packed. In just a couple of days we were at an airport, a church, a playground, the Y, grocery stores, target, abuelita's house and  the rental car in between. Somewhere in that Family Circus path the chiquita got sick.

Around 6pm my little girl had a fever - easily overlooked (especially with all the droolishous teething that's been going on). We went to bed early (about 8:30ish), and I watched her toss and turn more than usual. An hour or so later when I put my hand on her back to sooth her I realized that she was no longer just warm, but hot. I took her temp three times: 102.9. Entirely too high for my comfort zone. I called the Kaiser advise nurse (5 million thank-yous to my trusty partner for providing us with insurance!), and after a series of questions she told me to go to the ER. In fact, she didn't suggest, she ordered, and then she made me repeat it back so she was sure I understood. We were on our way - no more hesitation ever about going to the doc. I woke my mom up and we all headed to the University Medical Center where I was born.

At this point I wasn't too frightened. I had answered "no" to most of the nurse's questions and I was sure she was just sending us to the hospital as a precaution. Despite being sleepy and hot the chiquita was smiling and in mostly good spirits, she was even flirting with the desk crew while I was filling out paper work. The all-consuming fear and worry came when I went to give to nurse my insurance card and Leeloo went Linda Blair all over my mom and the lobby. I had no idea that her little tummy could hold so much to throw up. She was covered, her abuelita was sprayed and the furniture and floor looked like a bad roller coaster accident. Sad baby, stressed mama, sticky grandma - welcome to the ER in the middle of the night.

After her Exorcist moment, Leeloo felt a lot better. Her fever went down immediately and she was back to playing with the hospital staff. Nurses and interns and docs poked and prodded her until it was determined that she had a Upper Respiratory Infection (which I think is fancy talk for "cold"). After hours of the waiting game (and falling asleep in the room), we were discharged at 3am.

All wrapped in a blanket at 3am.

Since then we've had low fevers, runny nose and a few restless nights, but she seems better each day. Last night we even slept through the entire night. Big sigh o' relief. This mama stuff is stressful. Now on with our vacation!