Mama's Day

Some days are sad, some days are happy, some days are both. My first Mother's Day was both.

If I would've given myself time to think about it I suppose I would have expected a bevy of emotion on my first mama's day. My experience with mamahood has been quite rocky after all. But, I didn't think of it. It had kinda slipped my mind that I was now included in this holiday (to which the lil' punk in me still gives a "consumerist propaganda!" shout in my head). This year my mom was visiting and that was great, because the day had always been about her, not me. But she reminded me that she was coming because it was my first mama's day (time to put that lil' punk away).

The first heart melt came when the boys made me presents in school. They were so sweet and proud. Z made me a kitty pin (which he was so excited for me to wear), and Boo decorated a box (for my money and stuff), and gave me my first ever "mom coupon" booklet. How does that cuteness not make you smile? My mom even helped the kids make me little mystery boxes of love to keep. Round that out with a spa gift certificate from D and my first mama's day was full of warm and fuzzies (even the lil' punk can see the good in that).

The nature of Mother's Day is to have family come together and be appreciative. That mama's Sunday we did get together as a family, but we were appreciative in another sort of way.

When D's dad passed away he donated his body to UCLA so the cancer he had could be studied. It was a noble and generous thing to do, and expected since he was a man of science. Pops also specified that he didn't want any type of formal memorial service after his death. Again, man of science, not faith. As a family we respected his wish to not have a funeral, but D and his siblings wanted to do a little something to say goodbye. So, as we had just a few months before with Mia, we gathered together and took balloons to release our thoughts and words unto the wind.

We hiked up Torrey Pines to the spot where Pops had been married years before. It was a beautiful day and so many people were about with their families. Bevy of emotion. This constant mix of happiness and sorrow is so strange. Outside I feel solid and ok, but inside I'm often reminded that I am shattered. Within a year we discovered that I was pregnant with twins, got married, felt the death of a daughter, seen cancer do its worst, and endured it all. Sometimes life comes at you all at once. We are like palms in a storm, holding strong until the calm comes once again.

The walk down.

We're not always sad.

Mama love.