Storm

  I have white hairs. Not a whole head, but a ton more than I thought I'd have at this age. You know what turns it white? Life. Kids. Both.

  It has been a doozy of a season. October was a blur of costumes and trips. November was Day of the Dead and the emotions that go with that. In between we realized we had to move (an unreasonable rent hike was to blame), so we spent all free time looking for something affordable (in SoCal - ha!). We found a place and packed and moved just before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving happened. Mia's death day, Ripley's birthday, Z's birthday. Also, Z got attacked by a dog, rushed to Rady's Children's Hospital in an ambulance and all stitched up kinda attack. We attended to those stitches and dressings during winter break. Family visits. Christmas. Oh, I got super ill (my dad called it Bronchitis, but I just called it "bad cold with a cough that needed meds). Quiet New Years (even though a car accident took out the local transformer and we - along with 2000 others - were out of power for most of the night).  I am sure there was other stuff to, that have blurred into the whirlwind, but those were the highlights.

  I thought maybe we had come into the light. School started Wed, schedules were falling back into place. Then last night sobered me again. I woke up to the sound of Rip sobbing. I thought bad dream, so I took the time to wake her (which took a lot of time) and then lead her to the bathroom before she went back to sleep. As soon as she tried to stand she cried out and crumpled on the floor. The whole time yelling, it hurts, it hurts! Immediately I thought, growing pains (she's been eating non-stop the last week). So I carried her to the bathroom, woke up D for Tylenol, and carried her back to bed.

  She slept for a bit, but woke up several more times during the night sobbing about the pain. I cradled her and soothed and massaged and didn't sleep; because that's what moms do. When she woke in the morning I thought the worst was over, then she tried to stand again, and fell, again, and screamed in pain. Time for the doc.

  I carried her from the car, across the parking lot, to the second floor into the pediatric wing (where the nurse informed me that she now weighs 50 pounds). The doc dismissed my growing pain diagnosis right away and sent us down to x-rays. Rip was super excited about the wheel chair and figured it out pretty quick. She led the way to Radiology (while I was internally freaking out over seeing her not being able to walk).

  Like most doc visits, nothing was conclusive. The x-rays were clear (to which D said: "Good, no tumors" - another internal freakout by me). We came home and had a Netflix binge. It was the longest I've seen her lay still, ever. By the end of the night she could stand on her own without crying. Walking is still hobbling, but her spirits are high. All I can do is see what happens tonight, and tomorrow.

 So my hair is probably a little bit whiter after today. By the time she's 18? I'm gonna look like Storm from the XMen. It's a look. I'll rock it.

The Muck and the Sadness

I love pictures. Anyone who knows me has probably had their pic snapped by me on numerous occasions. Unfortunately, like most modernists, I keep all of these shots in some digital universe, forever suspended and susceptible to loss (which has happened on numerous occasions). This year it is my goal to make actual physical copies (along with multiple backups).

The first step toward my goal was to arrange an album of Ripley's first year. I knew this would be an uphill climb. I took thousands of pictures that year. I had to pick favorites, arrange, edit, rearrange and edit some more. What didn't occur to me, was that I would be dredging up the bottom of the sadness pool. Once again revisiting pregnancy, hope, loss, pain, and the most supreme joy. What a fun rollercoaster to hop back on (all sarcasm intended).

Album decisions. Do I start with pregnancy? Birth? Do I include ultrasound pictures? How about belly pictures that say "twins". If yes, then do I add dead baby pics. A Mia page? What about excerpts from the mommy blog? A choice on whether to tell an honest account, or glaze over the reality, so whoever looks at the album doesn't have to start with the sadness. Hard decisions.

I decided to go with truth. Not simple or pleasant, but a part of us.

First page: all the internal pictures. Baby A, Baby B, growing together. Second page: preggo pictures, happiness and expectation. Third page: Mia. Full on dead baby page. And I feel like I need to add words, which I can't do yet, so I have skipped ahead for now.

Whew. After that was decided the pages filled themselves. So many cute and adorable pictures of the first months. Then smiles and milestones. Visits from family, visits to home. Somewhere in the middle I started to think of my childhood albums. One of my favorite parts of old paste albums is being able to lift up the pic and read the caption. So I went back through and started to annotate certain pics. Then I thought, maybe I should add memories from my thoughts at the time. Then I delved back into this blog and it stirred the sludge into a whirlpool of muck.

Le sigh. I am a happy mother. I am a grateful mother. I am so totally in love every day. But even with that I still get stuck. Sometimes I need to remind myself that even though sadness can weigh me down, my head is above water and I can feel the sun.

52 wks ago

A Tuesday outfit.

Pan Dulce

Clearly a true Mexican. Ripley loved her first pan dulce.