Monday, November 2, 2015

mia mia

I blame myself for your death.

Before I was married, I was on state care. They called for an ekg for your heart. Between that visit and the appointment I got married - for the insurance. The new doctors thought the EKG was unnecessary.

You almost always failed your tests. Too small, to weak of a heartbeat. But always just in the margins. Just barely.

And I called you my sweet one. The small girl that would eventually like to cuddle. Your sister was kicking and bucking, but you were small and still. Just happy in the space bellow my ribs.

“They” say to be positive, I was.

When they sent me in cause your beat was weak I went. But they found it, and I left.

Then they sent me again, an I laid there. So pregnant, but confidant.

I should have been you champion, wondering why your heart kept sending up red flags.

I should have had less of a smile and more of a concern.

I sincerely believe if I did, you would be here. After some amazing surgery.

 It is my fault your sister will not know you.

Forever my fault.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Drea. I am so sorry. I don't know what happened to sweet Mia. I do know that you are not the reason she is dead. I know different people have different ideas about how baby spirits come to be babies-in-bodies and don't know what you believe. I do know Mia's death is not your fault.
    I hear your pain and your sorrow and I am so sorry. I am so sorry. Sending you such gentleness in this raw time.