Gloomy

I've been fighting a cold. After blowing my nose all night and morning I need to just give in to the fact that I have a cold - there isn't a fight involved. Sleep was scarce last night. The little one slept a bunch - she's still asleep in her chair, making the occasional cute sound.

D is on his way to pick up Mia's ashes.

I kept dreaming that she was coming home alive. She is not even coming home whole. Ash of her former body. No more shape or form.

I was too tired in the hospital. So much had happened and her birth was the bookend of it all. I wish I had spent more time with her in my arms. I wish I had sent everyone away so D and I could hold her and her sister together. I wish I could have seen the two girls at the same time. I wish.

We are planning a memorial of sorts at the end of the month. We haven't decided on what yet, but something to help with closure.  Mostly I want a way to put her to rest without losing her memory. But I suppose that's what everyone who's lost someone wants.